So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
