A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
