I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
