i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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