I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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