Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My feet surprised me
Randomize
