Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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