he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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