Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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