One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
