There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
