WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Let's get the cat blown out
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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