i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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