I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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