whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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