My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
