I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have post one night stand depression
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