I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
