What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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