I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
