If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
