I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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