The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
