She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
