is your mom at the bar?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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