After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
