I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
