i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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