allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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