with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
