My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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