it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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