my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober