First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
