WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?