You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
