and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
