I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
