Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
