did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
