I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
