You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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