Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
