Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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