I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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