I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
