I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
