If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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