I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
