You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
