Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
