peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
