Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
