Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
