I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
