now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
