She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
