so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
