dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
