You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think my moral compass just broke
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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