I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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